Why Let Others Define Your Happiness?

July 16, 2007 in Tips

Don’t let other people tell you how to live.

How many times have you heard that advice? I’m sure it’s been a lot, and for good reason. There’s nothing worse than living a fake life catered to other people. It will only leave you miserable and unsatisfied.

I hope for your sake that you are not living your life according to how other people think you should live. And, for the sake of brevity and conciseness, I’m going to assume that I’m right. If you’re living a life constructed by someone else, you have deeper problems than what I’m going to talk about in this article.

But for those of you who have freed yourselves from the chains of conformity, congratulations! You’re free! But, are you really?

Imagine yourself in one of these common situations:

You’re driving down the road listening to some top 40 station, blissfully unaware of anything but you, your car, and the road. You come to a stop light and are suddenly very aware of your surroundings. The person in the car next to you has her windows down; there is a group of skater dudes hanging out on the sidewalk. You quickly reach for the volume knob because you don’t want anyone around you to realize that you’re the guy blasting the latest Carrie Underwood song.

Or.

You’re perusing the shelves at the mall’s video game store. You come across the latest Pokemon game. You’ve been reading reviews and articles online about how great the game is, but you can’t bring yourself to buy it. It’s a kiddie game, and you’re 23. Everyone makes fun of Pokemon. You walk out the store with no Pokemon game in your bag.

Obviously, these are pretty specific examples. You probably get the idea. And even if you’re not a 23 year old guy listening to Carrie Underwood or thinking about buying a Pokemon game, I’m sure that you can think of similar situations.

In both of these scenarios, and hundreds of others that I can think of, the defining aspect was that there were other people around you who could have taken notice of what you were doing. And you asked yourself, even if you were unaware of it, “What will people think of me?”

This is something that we all experience, and it’s something that ultimately denies us happiness.

Take some of my personal examples (keep in mind that I’m a 23 year old guy): I’m a big fan of Justin Timberlake. I love Spider-Man and other comics. I own a couple of pink shirts. I went to see Harry Potter last night. I was a male cheerleader.

These are all things that might cause people to look at me weird, laugh at me, question my sexuality, but I don’t let that bother me.

Why should I care what some random guy on the street thinks when I blast a Justin Timberlake song? Who is he to me? He’s nobody. I’m never going to see him again in my life. If he laughs at me, he’s a punk. He has no affect on me whatsoever. So why should I keep my happiness in check for someone who is not a part of my life?

One of the ways I stay upbeat and optimistic about life is that I don’t let stupid little things like this bother me. Sometimes I’ve found myself worrying about the most random insignificant things. Last week I wanted to park on the side of the road to write something down in a notebook (the idea for this article, actually), and I thought “people are going to drive by and wonder what the hell I’m doing.” Luckily, I’ve come to realize such notions are absurd.

You may not even realize that you keep your happiness in check, but you are, because of what I’ve decided to call, “subliminal peer pressure.” Subliminal peer pressure is that little feeling of, “If I wear this, people might laugh.” Or, “I can’t buy these cookies, people will think I’m unhealthy.” It’s something we all feel, and it’s something that nobody should ever worry about.

Each time you turn the radio down, or avoid a purchase, you are denying yourself a little bit of happiness for someone else who has no impact on your life. Where is the sense in that?

Clearly, there are some caveats to be had with this advice. I’m not advocating that you do things that are illegal because they’ll make you happy. That’s just dumb (and it’ll land you in jail). I’m also not advocating that you do things that are culturally unacceptable (swearing at babies, spitting in front of old ladies, etc.) because that’s also silly. You can certainly do such things, but there are some boundaries set by Western culture that are ingrained in everyone, and there are some things people just should not do.

Likewise, you have to think about who the people are around you. I’ve been talking about people with no relationship to you at all: a random passerby on the street, denizens of the mall, fellow grocery shoppers. This advice necessarily has to change if you don’t want to sully your image in front of people who do mean something to you: family, potential dates, your boss.

If your friends make fun of you (and I mean seriously insult you, not just friendly ribbing) because you listen to Justin Timberlake, they’re not worth your time. If your boyfriend dumps you because you drive a certain car, you are definitely better off without him. If your boss fires you for wearing a Spider-Man shirt to work, you probably weren’t happy there anyway.

The important thing is what the person’s reaction means about their relationship to you, some reactions may surprise you.

My brother recently got a full back tattoo (he had no other ink) and my entire family thought it was a terrible idea. Over time though, everyone has come to love it (except maybe my grandfather, but he’s just stubborn), and think of it as a beautiful work of art (which it is). Also, you may hide your comic book geek side from your girlfriend (or boyfriend) without knowing that they’d think you were the cutest geek in the world and love you more if only you’d express yourself.

So, what do I hope you will take from all of this?

If you want to do/listen/see/play/wear/say/sing/eat/drive something because it brings you a little bit of joy, go for it. Live the way you want to live. Don’t let imaginary worries about what other insignificant people might think stop you from doing anything that will make you happy. It is not worth it.